ribbonandpearls

 i had most of the smoked mackerel salad (with stupid new potatoes) for tea. managed to sneak a small potato onto dad's plate, and throw half of one on the floor. in the end that resulted in eating one potato (left half of one. had pretty much all the fish. 
today;s exercise was shockingly low: 35 minutes of high energy dancing in bedroom. 40 mins on trampoline (i'm actually quite proud of that though) and half and hour hula hoop on the wii fit. 
i still feel fat fat fat fat fat though :(

tomorrow i'm likely to be going out to buy my sister a birthday present with my mum. i also really need to crack on with homework too. OMG. when i am going to exercise? swimming wasn't on tonight because of good friday, and next monday is bank holiday so it won't be on then either. that means no proper exercise until next fucking thursday. i can feel myself getting fatter already. i just want to starve. i hate being surrounded by really nice food and being forced to eat something. i hate it so much.

 so much for my plan.
ok, so i have spent all day in my room (when it's lovely and sunny outside) but i have NOT been exercising or even doing anything useful! ahhh.

and another thing. everytime i binge (or have binged - never going to again) it's always been on a day where there is no good food in the house and i'm just eating for the sake of it.
now what? my mum has gone and bought loads of nice food. a baguette, nice cookies, fucking pain au chocolats. and i can't even have ANY of them this weekend cause it's my fast. oh god. i feel like i can never have any nice food again. i MUST NOT give in to any of it this weekend. my mum is going to be like "why don't you want a pain au chocolat?" X 100 all weekend. 
i know this sounds crazy, but i'm trying to find a recipe for a cake that uses melted chocolate. if i get any easter eggs, i can use them to make my sisters birthday cake. 

I FEEL SO FAT. 
no, I AM FAT.

right. i'm going to go and play on the trampoline right now. i don't know if i'll last half an hour as i'll probably get really sweaty in my jeans and next door's children are out playing and i bet they will end up watching me. urgh.

this weekend i'm going to have to keep telling myself: thin tastes better than food.

 i'm trying to exercise but i have awful awful pains in my stomach. why? i ate loads yesterday (but nothing so far today) and when i have eaten nothing before i have been fine. 
must keep going though.
even though it hurts soo bad. i now feel so fat. 
this is punishment for a binge.

 day one of my '3 day binge recovery'. i'm actually in a good mood which is VERY surprising as usually after a night of binging anyone feels awful. it's only the morning but i think to keep me motivated i'm going to have to write to this as much as possible.
so after a very late night last night (i went to bed at 3am planning what i will be doing for these three days) i woke up at 10. had some caffeine pills (to actually get me out of bed for a start haha) and went to the scales. i wasn't as horrified as i thought i'd be: 112. now, i think i have put on 1 or 2lbs since yesterday, but for some reason, that didn't seem to bother me. IT SHOULD. 112 was my FIRST goal weight. it's NOT ok for me to be happy with my weight going up to that again. my arms and face feel chubbier. anyway... i was so lucky, because nobody was downstairs. usually at this time, there is someone downstairs. so i went downstairs and made it look like i had breakfast, and fetched myself a big glass of iced water. i'm glad, as part of my plan was to stay upstairs and downstairs was out of bounds (so i wouldn't be tempted or forced to eat) also, part of my plan was also to drink lots of iced water, and if i hadn't have been able to go downstairs i wouldn't be able to get any. so yes, that part went well. i won't have my mum saying "are you going to come down and have some breakfast soon?" all morning. on my way upstairs i even found a pack of chewing gum! a good thing to keep in handy to avoid eating. now i'm upstairs and i'm going to wash my hair, then get on with the rest of my plan. (exercise exercise exercise, and also a big long list of distractions). however today is a really lovely sunny day, and wouldn't it be a waste to spend it all in my room? well - i suppose i could go on the trampoline (48 cals for 15 mins! do that a few times) if they believe i have eaten. wow, i actually really feel like a fast today. i feel really confident about it. i think my plan really helped last night. i would recommend keeping a weight loss diary to anyone. anyway, i rambling on here, better not waste any exercise time... bye for now xxx

 i'm back on live journal with an new start.
since the end of january i have lost a bit over a stone, and last time i checked, this morning my weight was 112.
i have been on a few binges but managed to make up for them by heavily restricting/ fasting the days afterwards.
i can't believe i fucking binged today. thankfully i had swimming training but still! and it's going to be hard to fast with it being easter this weekend and my sisters birthday soon.
this will be my last binge.
this WILL be my last binge.
 thin tastes better than food.
i've made a plan for friday, saturday and sunday in my new diary. they're going to be my binge recovery days.
i also wrote lines "i will never binge again". it's time for some serious disipline.